The clockwork factory

The old factory which still runs

2008-12-01T23:49:00.004+08:00

December the first, what a date to remember. The first day of my favourite month. Well, basically today, I spared myself of a couple of lessons of jap revision just to watch this amazingly meaningful show on channel eight, and I must say, it was really really meaningful, and it should be something everyone should be watching and learning from. This show basically shows us the realities of some of the poorest and most needy singaporean lives out there. Today's episode just hit me real hard. Ass hard.

Imagine.

You're old and you're in your 70s. You were happily married with five children, with a job, and a nice little house.

Well, sadly, your life changed. You lost your job, and you had to find odd jobs to feed your family.

Your fourth and fifth children both committed suicide. You adored them so much. The youngest one would always get you expensive clothes and provide you with money often. Sadly, her husband lived off her and she decided to end her life. You don't even know if she really killed herself or whether she was murdered.

Your children were really close, they loved each other so much. Too much. After the deaths of the fourth and the fifth, your first and third children couldn't take it and they decided to escape reality. They shut themselves up in their own worlds. They were hurt really badly. They no longer exist in the same mental state as they did.

Your wife couldn't take it as well.

Your second child was hurt, but not as badly as the other two. He was the only one working other than you. He's overseas, you couldn't see him.

Your grandchild lives with you. She's the daughter of your last child. She hardly comes home. You're afraid that she'll end up in bad company like how your fourth and fifth child did, but you couldn't do anything about it. You had too many things to do at your age.

Your house was in a mess. No one had beds. Your rooms were filled with things you collected. You had no choice. You had to keep them because you were a karang guni. There was hardly any space to walk, maybe there was just enough room for your feet. Your son had to sleep on a broken bench with a table top, you had a small bench with your wife, your daughter had to sleep on the floor.

You and your wife had heart problems, both of you couldn't afford medicine. You'll rather die than pay for your medical bills. You had to use the money to feed your family.

You only had instant noodles. Your good meals were more meat and vegetables from the economical rice stall downstairs at the coffeeshop at around two to three dollars.

Have you ever thought of dying? Have you ever thought of giving up? Have you ever thought of just escaping from this cruel world?

Of course.

However, if you were going to go, who would be there to take care of your family? You decided to stay and bear this responsibility. You're old, sick and poor. But deep down inside, your mind, your soul and your heart remain strong. They will continue to burn and shine, all the way until you make your way to the skies.

The old factory which still runs. I believe it is optimism that keeps this old man going. He is truly admirable, and for him, I'll remember what optimism really is like and I'll always remain as strong as I can to bear any responsibilities that I may have.

The world may come to an end one day, the sun may come crashing, the entire human race may abandon and betray me, but with optimism, I'll always remain strong myself and keep those around me safe and sound.

December the first shall be Optimism Day. For the sake of mankind, for the sake of all those who need help, for the sake of all the forsaken ones, the able-bodied, healthy and alive shall remember this date and strive to make a difference in the future. These people may be needy, weakened, poor, but they are still living. Their will to live shall push us to greater heights, and that we must help them to better their lives. These people deserve to live better lives. Life isn't fair, but we'll have to try and make theirs as fair as much as possible.

The old factory which still runs. I shall brush up my skills, hire as many workers as possible, and make sure the factory will keep on running. I'll clean it, maintain it and even upgrade it.

Keep your factories running, or die trying. I may not save all factories in this world, but I'll die trying to do so as well.

The Mind is Man's greatest strength and weakness

2008-10-21T17:18:00.002+08:00

Heh, it's been a long long time since I last blogged man. I always had the urge to write something during this period of time, but it never came so strongly until now. Heh, I'm a person who only blogs when I really feel like it. Oh well.

Well basically, I've not been down or sad about my promotional examinations, it's more like the people around me were really quite ass sad and worried. I was just standing beside them, watching them worry, cry, whine, whatever. It's not like I'm not concerned about my results, it's like, I no longer feel much for failures anymore. What's the point of feeling it when nothing actually comes out from it? Experiences like these are so common that I've now come to understand that it's better to look forward than to look at what's been done. Okay, anyway, that's not really the point here. The point is, your head, decides what you are. Your head is your king, your president, your minister, your boss, your whatever that controls you. Your head, makes you who you are and you can either let it control you or you can control it. It is your greatest strength and weakness as well.

Worries. This is something that most people do most of the time, and it certainly isn't something that most people like. Well, worrying makes people tensed, it makes people cranky, crazy, nuts, and a lot more stuff, but slowly think about it, is there actually a need to worry? I know I know, it's of course ass hard to stop yourself from worrying, but if one were to think hard enough, I suppose one would agree that worrying is actually pretty useless. There is almost no value to worrying in actual fact, for it is something that makes you lose control of yourself, sick and panic. So, what is the point of worrying then? What I thought of lately, would be because people worry because it makes their subconscious mind feel better. We all worry, and sometimes, when we don't worry about things that we should be worrying, we start to worry why we aren't worrying. Awkward, but I think it's evident among people. The only reason I could think of, was that worrying actually makes people feel better, because by feeling the rush, the need to quickly get it over and done with, the need to just get rid of it, one would feel as though one is already doing what one is worrying about at that point in time. It's like, when there's an examination coming up, one hasn't studied much, so one worries about it. By worrying, one feels better subconsciously, as by thinking of it, one is almost like admitting one's mistakes. I know I'm bad at phrasing this but, I suppose you get what I mean. The feeling is something that's ass hard to describe, so I shan't make any further attempts.

Meh, however, I must say that, it's still pointless to worry, and that is because the negative impacts of it would outweigh its benefits. Sometimes, people might throw you a glance, something like, "Hey why aren't you worrying about your examinations? It's coming soon ye know, you should be worrying like mad now!" I suppose many people would feel that there's actually a need to worry, just because another person's doing so. Some people may not worry at all, but by not worrying, they are afraid that they would appear as though they don't care about their studies, and that they should be worrying, so as to show others that they are actually concerned. Well well well, is there actually a need to do so? Honestly speaking, I think worrying adds on to one's pressure, and that no worrying is definitely something good. If you were ever caught not worrying, don't worry, lol, the cops won't get you. Okay, my point is, don't ever worry for the sake of worrying, really. You crush yourself with stress that you create in your mind, you panic, you get flustered, you won't get to concentrate. Always try ass hard to not worry, it's better this way. Not worrying doesn't mean that you're not concerned.

A strong mind, however, would be able to stand by itself and stop its owner from worrying. It's awkward how many people worry for the sake of worrying. One must be strong! If you think that not worrying about something's alright, and that you're still concerned about that particular thing, there's no need to worry to show your concern. Stay cool, stay calm, and ignore what others say. You know what you want, you know who you really are, there is absolutely no need to succumb to the pressure given to you by the people around you. Have a little more self confidence and believe that you are right and fire away. This confidence is really your strength. Your mind is powerful, make use of it well.

Well, next, it'd be optimism. I hear this from an ass load of people, "hardwork doesn't pay off". Of course, it's pretty true at times, but it is too extreme to be considered as something ultimately correct. It bites to say this but, I thought that something my dad said was rather meaningful and I would most certainly remember it for the rest of my life. "To succeed you need to be hardworking, but being hardworking does not necessarily grant you success." Yes yes, meaningful and true indeed, and I shall carry this with me for the rest of my life. Well, another thing to note would be that, Mr Thomas Edison has failed like countless of times, like a thousand or something, and yet he never gave up until he succeeded in his invention thingy. What does this show man? If that dude's a human being and he doesn't give up for so many times, how can we even lose to him? If one hasn't failed as much as Thomas Edison, one has not tasted real defeat, and one cannot say that "hardwork doesn't pay off". That'd be another point to note.

I know it's hard to like eat all these in one go at times, since one might be ass sad and ass depressed and so on, but one must realise that it's never the end of the world. For me, when one feels bad, know that there are those who are worse than you, and when one feels good, know that there are thos who are better than you. Never get too cocky or too demoralised, there are always people who are better and worse than you. Ultimately, one is one's greatest enemy, for one cannot be compared with others. Honestly speaking, I find this really true. We are always our own enemies. To improve, we have to get pass our current state, and to do so, we'll have to defeat ourselves. Even if you're best in the world, you'll always be on par with yourself, so you're still not really the best in the world since you're still your own enemy. There never any boundaries man. Boundaries are there only because of your head. Once again, it's the magical head thingy that does all these funny things. You think there is a wall, there will be a wall. You think there isn't any, then there isn't any. If there really is a wall, imagine that you're a power ranger and you'd be able to blast it with your laser gun. If there's like this ultimate wall that cannot be destroyed, just imagine that you're able to destroy it, if not, just try destroying it until you die. Your mind, is what's restricting you from doing all these. Willpower, determination, perseverance, all these powerful tools, are associated with your mind. Make use of it man, if not it'd go down the drain. Deep down the drain with all that shit and dirty water. Oh noes.

Normally, the people who think that "hardwork doesn't pay off" are often misguided people who are being controlled by their own heads. That's why the mind can be Men's greatest weakness as well. It's not like they really can't do things, it's just that their head has already convinced them so damn badly that they are no longer powerful enough to go against what their minds say. It's like this asshat who's spreading propaganda in their head, and they believe so much in that asshat that they will no longer go against that asshat. These people seem as though they will just die or something, rotting alone in their own worlds, believing in "fake truths", falling into that deep black hole of no mother's land. Well well well, the story isn't really that sad. In this world, there are always superheroes to save people from asshats, and these superheroes arent really super, they don't wear their underpants outside, they don't wear tights to show off their genitals, they don't wrap towels around their necks. They are just ordinary people around each and every one of us out here. Normal people, strangers, friends, whatever. Anyone can help. It's just up to the person if he or she wants to. Sometimes in our lives, we'll notice that there are actually people who have low self esteem, or low self confidence, or pessimistic and so on, everyone can play a part in helping them, and that is by believing them and giving them hope by lending an ear and a shoulder. Listen and support, that's what most people now have to do.

Be their light man. Get rid of the asshats in their heads. Try as hard as you can to help that person. Never give up. It's not the end of the world. Ultimately, of course, it's not only up to the person but also up to you to help him. Okay fine, I hear this all the time. "Oh I've already helped him, but he refused to change, I gave up." "I tired already la, do so many times he still like that." "He hopeless already please, do so much also no use." Fine fine fine, indeed, what we're only able to do, is to help the person to get rid of asshats, but only the person who's in need of help can get rid of the asshat himself. We can only do as much as trying to convince the person that the asshat is talking shit and is lying, but if the person doesn't believe in you, or doesn't listen to you at all, then the asshat will be living in the person's brain forever and ever. I agree with this man. So totally. However, we must also know that even after trying ass hard, and the person whom we're helping isn't budging at all, we musn't lose hope at all. If he himself has already lost hope, and people around him have also lost hope, then he'll never be saved. At the very least, please don't ever lose that hope man. If you ever lose that hope in that person you're helping, then forget it, don't ever try helping him again. You're as weak as he is. The mind is a tool you can control, it's not like it's living by itself, it's stuck onto you man. Never give excuses that you can't do this you can't do that. If you're determined, you can do it.

Ye know what, our world, is full of asshats and angels. Asshats remain asshatty, angels hardly remain as angels as they succumb to the power of asshats and fall. However, one thing to note would be that there would always be one or two angels around you, and that angel might be you. If you're strong, if you can make use of your mind, why don't you start helping those around you? Convince yourself, power up yourself, you can definitely do it. Where does all that steam come from when you really really really want something really really really badly? All that steam's from your head man. It didn't just pop up from the ground, it didn't just drop from the sky, it came from you. I've never felt this sort of powers until some frisbee competition that I joined recently. Heh. It's quite a nice feeling. Well basically, I felt adrenaline rush a long long time ago because of my mother, motivated because I didn't want to disappoint her, and after that, I thought that maybe I could motivate myself, because getting motivated from other sources is like acquiring a powerful skill from npcs. Why can't I just learn it myself? It'd be cool to draw motivation from the subconscious mind man. Well, I kinda tried, and kinda did it, although I created no miracles from it.

Basically, what I'm trying to say today, would be that, if you think you're weak, you're actually not really that weak. And, if you think that you're strong, you're actually not that strong, because you can be stronger. Learn how to use your head man, use your head to aid you in becoming stronger. Seriously, if you're the ultimate optimist in the world, you'll always be improving. Nothing can stop you. Even if a huge meteor is gonna drop onto the world and kill all earthlings, you'll think that you're able to gobble the entire shit up and save mankind. Afterall, you're gonna die trying or not trying anyway.

Heh, I wanna be a psychologist. I wanna spread to the world, that the mind, is an ass powerful tool that we all possess. We see people going beyond the human limit to do impossible things at critical moments, this is the power of the mind. I wanna study more and plunge myself into the world of how our heads work. By doing so, I wanna teach, inspire and help as many souls out there to become powerful. So powerful that it's not even funny.

Being a psychologist's cool too, I get to wear coats instead of ugly white uniforms.

Jikan to no Kyousou

2008-02-23T23:33:00.003+08:00

Something happened today, and it was really sudden, so sudden that I didn't really understand what had happened exactly. Well, basically, my way of speaking and doing things, has somehow angered or saddened another person, a brother of mine, someone who'd known me long enough to be considered as one.

Sometimes I really don't understand what's wrong with me actually. The reason being that I can never find something that I would really want to change within myself. I'm pretty much happy being able to think the way I'm thinking right now, and I absolutely find no fault in my way of thinking too.

I know I'm paranoid, worried and troubled lots of times, but honestly speaking, I rather be like this than to not think at all. Within my gang, I'm always labelled as 'emo', but honestly speaking, I don't think that way. What's this word gotta do with me anyway? Personally I think that 'emo' is a word used to describe people who do not understand the whys, hows, whens, and whats on the emotional aspects. I honestly do not think that I'm such a person, for I believe that my strength lies in judging people's emotions, their thoughts, and of course take into consideration of what I should do in order not to harm the others around me.

Somehow, this isn't really the case, from what I'd seen today.

My close friend came up to me, all angered and pissed regarding some matters, and told me straight in the face, that I don't care about the people around me, that I don't understand what's happening, and that I do not make an effort to change my faults when people tell me to do so. I'm being labelled as 'emo' more than half the time, and I'm being flamed for being like that. From my point of view, however, I seriously am not this sort of person. I've been thinking, trying so hard, analyzing so much, so that I don't hurt anyone else around me, and yet why do these things happen? What had gone wrong exactly? I didn't understand what my friend had meant. For that, I'm now worried once more, thinking and analyzing what had gone wrong. If I were a person who didn't care about the others around me, why do I even worry now?

I suppose it's hard to satisfy everyone around me entirely.

Maybe it's because I try so hard satisfying people around me that I forget to take care of those who are close to me? It might be the case, since human beings take things for granted, but for now, I shan't put the blame on mankind, but on myself, personally. This might be the cause though, since I assumed that the people whom are close to me would accept me the way I am right now, and that might not be the case to some of the people, for they might've accepted some other parts of me, and not me entirely.

Well, right now, I'm pondering on what I should do next.

Why make the change? Why must I worry over this? Is it even possible to satisfy every single soul around me? Is it even possible not to make any more mistakes? I think that ultimately, there will never be any solutions, although it might seem as though it's an excuse, it might also be the truth. Like what I had written earlier on, since there's no Universal Truth regarding all the bits and pieces of life, there's nothing right or wrong in this world. Laws may seem to be the guideline that we should take, but since they came from human beings, it's not worth trusting entirely, since we're all following something that we had created ourselves. Things like these may just be illusions or excuses to delude oneself, so as to escape from reality.

The clockwork factory, the time magician, nostalgia. Why do all these words appeal to me so much?

Well, I would really like to have a factory which controls time, or be a person who can control time, or simply just go back the past by daydreaming. I attain peace by doing so, and not because I'm an 'emo' kid.

The pace of my life is really ass fast. I always find things running so quickly, and it's so hard to keep up. From my point of view, we are all chasing illusions, we are all chasing dreams that may never come true, we are all chasing mirages that give you false hope. I don't wanna run, I wanna stop, really.

I would like to stop right now, at this point in time, in my little house within the forest, with the authum leaves falling, the waterfall gushing down, with the breeze blowing. I want peace, but in order to obtain all these, I'll have to start working hard for it, I'll have to start chasing it, I'll have to quicken my pace. Funny isn't it? The way I look at things, life'll always be like that. It's always full of contradictions, ironys and so on.

This is really something for us to laugh at, but personally, I regard it as a truth in life.

I'll have to start running, in order to know what it feels like to stop.

The problem now is that, when should I stop in order to maximize my satisfaction of attaining peace?

Jikan to no Kyousou. A race against time.

Or should I say, a race for time?

夢 - Yume

2008-02-11T19:06:00.000+08:00

Well, personally, I think that it's really good to dream, and of course it's even better to have dreams to one would like to fulfill. A goal in life is something that one should always have, so as to ensure that one's living with a purpose, a meaning, a reason. Without it, life's pretty much pointless to start with.

I was really excited to be able to get into the nominations for the students' council, for I had believed that it was fate that had brought me there. I talked about it for almost a week, and I was really prepared to give it a 100%, determined to shine amongst the rest and serve the school with everything I've gotten. Everything seemed so perfect, I was finally recognized for something and that I would really want to make the best out of it, but somehow, I had failed yet again.

The passion and enthusiasm had died out so quickly. The council meeting totally put me off and right now, I'm wondering whether I should withdraw from it. I know I shouldn't be blaming the meeting for this, for I'm the one who had caused all these to happen. I'm pretty certain that I've ran out of steam, not even a candle flame's burning within me.

Just a few days ago, I was at Zar's house, celebrating Chinese New Year with a couple of friends and my family. My parents were talking away with Zar's mum and dad, and Zar's dad suddenly shot a question at me. He asked me what I had wanted to be in the future.

I stood there for quite a while, thinking about all the possibilities in the future, but there wasn't any answers at that point in time, I felt lost. I was pretty much lost for the first time in my life, for so many years, I've always had dreams and goals and everything that I would've wanted to do, but at that point in time, I was confused, I was stunned, I was gone.

Another question was directed at me, when Zar's dad had found out that I didn't really know what I had wanted to be, so instead, he asked me what I had wanted to be in the past. I tried thinking, really slowly too, but yet again, I couldn't figure out all my answers at once, and what's more, I thought that it was most saddening to see that even my sisters and my family members knew more that I did.

They started to name a couple of dreams that I had in the past. Fighter pilot, S-league goalkeeper, dog hotel owner, wolf caretaker, game designer, character designer, manga artist etc. There were so many things that I had actually forgotten, and after being asked such a question, I felt even more lost. Reality finally sank in, and I realized that my passion, my motivation, my spirit, have all gone away.

Why had I been so motivated in the past? Why did I have so many dreams then? Why am I losing everything right now? Right now, I would really want to be passionate and motivated in doing something as far as possible, something that would light up my life and let me feel as though I'm in this world for a reason. I need to find something to live for, I want my dreams back.

I've been wondering for quite a while, whether the reason behind all these mess was because I'm afraid that I'll lose out to others, and that I wanted to be good at something so that I'll be recognized. At this point in time, I suppose this isn't the answer I thought it would be. I think that right now, I'm trying so hard just to gain self recognition, and not recognition from the others. I want to accept myself again.

Somehow, I'm not liking myself for not having a target to achieve. I want dreams, I want something that'll really make me fight so hard for it, even at the cost of my life, something so great that I'm willing to do everything for it. That way, I'll feel alive once more. Not only will people recognize me, I'll be able to recognize myself too. The reason, the purpose and the meaning in life.

I would like to get the flame burning within me, I would like to go back to the past, when I was ever so determined to do everything for my dream, I would like to acknowledge my existence again.

I sat down in YX's car today, watched how the leaves on the trees sway, saw places that I had visited when I was young, felt a sudden urge to just plunge myself in the dreamy realm that I had come up with at that point in time.

Silence, calm and peace. Maybe that's what I need right now to be able to find my way back on track. I'll find Yume.

審理 - Shinri

2008-02-06T07:25:00.000+08:00

I believe that in our lives, there are many times when you feel that everything around you are just so fake. To you, people are hypocritical, the world is a mirage, your dreams are unreal. There are so many things that are unjustified in this world of ours, and that truth is something that I believe everyone's trying to seek. It is something sacred and divine, something that will tell mankind what we should all really do, but is it something really there? Or is it something that we all have to come up with ourselves? The real truth, comes within oneself. Everyone has their own truth, everyone has their own thoughts, everyone has the right to live the way they want to.

Personally, since the start of school, I've been thinking about this for a bit, whether such The Universal Truth really existed. A good friend of mine, Cheng, told me that there's really no such thing to start off with, since everyone believed in the things they wanted to. Upon hearing this, the first thought that came to my mind was that, if there wasn't such a thing to start off with, then what for are we living right now? Why aren't there a set of rules for us to follow so as to lead meaningful lives? Shouldn't mankind just die out if we don't even have a goal to begin with?

It's sad to say this, but unfortunately, I don't think that there is any purpose in life for mankind. Some may say that we have dreams to fulfill, some may say that we'll just have to find meaning in our lives since we're already living, while some may say that their religions give meaning to their lives. Personally, I believe that all these things aren't purposeful at all, for they are all selfish ideals. Well, you can say that my dream would be that I'll become a doctor so great that I'm able to cure all diseases. This can be viewed as something that would benefit mankind, but does this really make our lives enriching and purposeful? I believe not. We are all doing this for ourselves, and not for the entire human race as a whole. If there weren't any purpose to start off with, why are we all working so hard?

We want to be rich, we want to be popular, we want to be good people. Basically, to sum it all up, we want a good life. We're all selfish beings, for we want our lives to be good. Not a single person in this world would want to lead a bad life, and I believe the reason would be that we're all selfish beings to start off with. Therefore, if there wasn't any Universal Truth to start off with, we'll all lead different lives, with different objectives, achieving different things, and not advance the entire world as a whole.

I believe that is why our world right now, is so full of sorrows, agony and anger. We're all fighting, against others as well as ourselves. We do not have something common to believe in. Everyone has their own truth, but the stronger ones would be able to convince others that their own truth is the real truth. Even right now, as I'm writing this, I feel so disgusted by the fact that I'm trying to convince others that I'm correct and that people who beg to differ would be incorrect. Get the logic? Without a Universal Truth, there really isn't a point to live, is there?

I believe that regarding this matter, the worst part of it would be that people do not even trust themselves anymore. Sometimes, at a point in time, we would doubt ourselves, whether what we're doing is right or wrong. We would start thinking for every single thing that we do, be it making friends, or studying for a test etc. As for myself, I have started to analyze people, so that I would be able to make sure that hypocrites won't share a part of my life. I have even started to analyze myself, making sure that every move I make would come from my heart, that I am not a hypocrite who would do things that they don't even mean to. After reading the previous statement, are you able to find any mistakes? If you have not, then try reading the sentence again, because the biggest mistake that I have made would be that I am self contradicting.

'I have even started to analyze myself, making sure that every move I make would come from my heart, that I am not a hypocrite who would do things that they don't even mean to.' If I were to make sure that every move I make would come from my heart, then this would be invalid, since it is being thought through. What I'm trying to say is that, I cannot make sure that even move that I make would come from my heart, since if I have thought through it, then it's not something that's from my own heart already. However, if I rely on my own feelings too much, I won't be able to do the correct things, since emotions are wrong at several occasions. A very good example would be love, for it is something that most people confuse with lust and infatuation.

Get the idea why there should be a Universal Truth? For this particular entry, I've noticed that I've asked a damn lot of questions, but who would be there to answer them? In the end, the only answer to our own questions, would be ourselves. Logic isn't really logical to start with, since it is something made up by mankind, so logic itself is self contradictory. Emotions can't guide our way to enlightenment, since they often mislead us.

At the end of our lives, I believe that we'll actually realize how meaningless life is. Even if the Universal Truth really existed, would people actually believe it? We doubt so much that even facts do not seem factual to us. Theories, ideas, beliefs and whatever that come to our minds will always be doubted. In the end, there is actually no one whom you can fully trust, and that we all just have to accept the fact that life as Man, is of no importance and there's no purpose for the existance of mankind.

Shinri is something that can never exist, but for human beings to live happily, we'll need it somehow, even if it means that we'll have to lie.

See the contradiction? ;]

お母さん - Okaasan

2007-09-08T15:19:00.000+08:00

Just a few days ago, I'd received a phone call from one of my friends, saying that her mother had been hospitalized after taking a fall in the kitchen as she had lost her consciousness while cooking.

Just a few days after that, I'd heard a story written by a friend of mine when he was a lot younger. An idea came to me ever so quickly, and I decided to write it down on my notebook to remember it. It was written as, "Mum hanging clothes under the sun."

Yesterday, I was hiking with my good friend Zar. I talked to him about my ideas for FFXIX and the recent idea that I had come about, which was the one regarding a mother hanging clothes under the sun. I told Zar that I was really afraid to lose my mother, for she is the most supportive person in helping me pursue my dream. I cannot imagine what it would be like to lose her.

Today, I was supposed to attend a project meeting for RE. My dad had driven me to a friend's house, and along the way, I had noticed that there was a funeral at somebody else's, but I ignored it anyway, for I had thought that it was insignificant.

I dropped off at my friend's house, knocked at the door and no one answered. I decided to get his neighbour to give him a call, for I had not brought my handphone along. My friend picked up the phone and told me where he was, coincidentally, he was at the funeral that I had saw earlier on. The funeral was held for the mother of one of his friends.

Thoughts rushed into my mind. I walked towards the funeral, caught a glimpse of it, and decided to head back home to process my thoughts into words. These things had all happened too coincidentally. It was pretty hard to accept them happening at one go.

I was back from my gramps' place, feeling the aches and pain that I had endured during school as our class had a gym lesson that day. I needed relief, I needed rest, I needed comfort. When I had reached home, I lay on the bed and closed my eyes, thinking that the pain and aches would all go away by lying there. I was about to fall asleep, when I felt hands at my feet, taking away the aches and pain, giving me strength and protection from harm. I opened my eyes, there was my mother, massaging my feet as though they were about to rot away if she had not, giving her best so that I would be able to sleep well that night. I smiled to myself deep down inside, thinking how wonderful it was to have a mother like her. I looked up at her, thanking her with a grin and went to sleep.

I was using the computer while waiting for the rest of my family to get back home from my gramps' place. My sisters and my mother were all watching a movie, while my father was overseas. I waited for the phone call that would soon be heard, enjoying my time watching anime and playing games. The phone rang as I had expected, I took it and heard much nagging from the caller, it was my mother. She screamed at me for no reason at all, asking me to get ready to leave and simply put down the phone after that. I was angry, for I had always hated people who vented their anger on me for no reason at all. I stomped out of my gramps' place, took a lift down, and started lecturing and reasoning out with my mother for what she had done, forcing out an apology from her for the wrong that she had done earlier on.

I was talking with my mother about my dream of becoming the character designer for Square Enix, she looked hesitant for a moment, but gave me a smile a few moments later. She listened to me about what I had always wanted to do, what I intended to do, and how I had wanted to go about achieving this particular goal of mine. She looked worried while she was listening, perhaps she thought that I would neglect my studies currently in order to achieve this particular dream of mine. I could read her thoughts too, but she smiled anyway, giving me moral support by doing so.

I talked to my mother again about what I had wanted to do this December holidays. I wanted to get myself a new computer, design a room for myself, take art lessons, take japanese language lessons, work out at the gym every alternate days etc. She looked at me and told me, "My boss said that I should really support you, since you're so determined to achieve this dream of yours, I guess your computer's covered by me then." I looked at my mother and I felt a strong urge to hug her. However, I hesitated, for I was already a young man at this point of time, thus, I just gave her a grin like I always did, and thanked her.

I was talking to Zar during the hike, that I was afraid to lose my mother at this point of time. She was the most supportive person that I had ever had, and it would be really painful to lose her right now. I told Zar that I had accepted Death, and I knew that everyone was going to die one day, but I just could not imagine how I was going to live without my mother if she were to leave one day.

In a breezy and sunny morning, on a hill with only a tree and cottage accompanying it, a woman in her apron was busy hanging clothes that she had just finished washing, placing them neatly on the clothesline that were situated beside the cottage. A little boy was panting as he got higher up the hill, looking up at the woman who was his mother. He had just come back home from school, it was horrid, he had almost cried in class after getting bullied by his friends, he felt that life was not as good as he had expected to be. The boy continued walking up the hill as he relived the memories at school, tears were hanging on his cheeks as he made his way up.

The woman on the hill looked down the slope, watching her son making his way back home slowly. She was looking at her son while she started to slow down her pace of hanging clothes. When the boy had finally looked up at her, the woman gave him a warm smile, dropped the clothes that she was hanging into a basket sitting beside her, and started walking towards the boy whilst wiping the sweat of her face.

The boy looked into his mother's eyes, he felt protected, he felt loved, and he felt as though all the pain he had endured during school were long separated from him. The boy sped up towards his mother, arms wide open, and then fell flat right in his face just when he was about to reach his mother.

The woman gave a little gasp, hurried and took a look at her son. The boy looked up, saw his mother and quickly got himself up. The woman took her apron and wiped the dirt off her son's little face. The boy grabbed his mother at her apron and tucked his head into it, he felt hands stroking his hair, and he grabbed at the apron even harder. He later looked up while his mother had placed her hands around his head, looking down at his eyes. The mother and son looked into each other's eyes. The mother gave her son a smile, while her son started laughing away.

The boy blinked, it started to rain, there were no clothes being hung outside, there was no cottage beside the tree, there was not a single soul around. His mother was not there.

"Okaasan?" he asked.

"Okaasan..." he whispered.

"Okaasan!" he yelled.

No one responded.

Today, I was reminded of Love.

2007-08-13T23:11:00.000+08:00

Well, after posting something that I've not really put much thought into, I'll like to make it up with this one. As teenagers, Love's been a hot topic for many of us out there, and it is definitely one of the key factors that either kill us, or help us. Love is indeed one of the greatest power ever created in this world, and I believe that it's something that most of us would like to talk about too.

Love, is a feeling of warmth, a simply liking for something, or even a crush for another person. There are many forms of love, and every single form has some sort of power in them too. Kinship, Friendship, Companionship, Relationship. These are usually the words to describe different forms of love, and I believe at this age, most people would be more involved in Friendship and Companionship. Personally, I'm also more involved in Friendship and Companionship.

Well, I still remember the times when I had spent with my friends in my primary school, and I was really fortunate, to have met so many of them at that point of time too. Being a short and plump kid, I didn't really have much confidence in myself, and until now, I still can't really believe the fact that I had friends when I'd actually looked like something that I can't even reconize. Sorry if this pains certain of you readers out there, but, all I was trying to say was that, I was really grateful with my younger friends, because at that time, few would be mature enough to look beyond one's looks.

Having said that, I do cherish what my friends have done for me. There were instances where I got into trouble and all, but my friends were out there to look out for me. There was this incident where I had accidentally hit a school bully in his face with a basketball during a match, and when I was abou to get beaten up by him, Y.X had come to my rescue, pulling me back and getting off together. Well, we did apologize to that kid, but he wasn't understanding and so we had chosen to run off. Haha, memories. These little incidents would always seem so significant at times. Especially when one tries to calm down one's mind, and just look back at the past a little, so as to learn from mistakes and also to relive happy events and so on.

Friends are always reliable of course, through time too. I believe that the longer you and your friends knew each other, the stronger the bond between the two sides. Personally, I have a couple of friends who share with me a 10-year bond or something, pretty cool I must say, and I'm glad that we'd actually lasted this long. I believe that you guys out there have friends like that too.

Anyway, friends are just like your limbs, they support you almost everyday, very important in our daily lives and all. However, one should never forget, that our Family's important too. Although friends may seem to be important to us right now, our family's always the base of everything, and some things that our families do aren't always seen or felt, for we often take them for granted.

I'll take my family as an example. Every Sunday morning, my mum would fry beehoon for our entire family, waking up at around 8, and prepare breakfast by 9. At times, her beehoon would taste pretty horrible, and my dad or my sister would go whining because of the food. Well, indeed, complaining may do some good to my mum's cooking skills, but I thought that praising her would've been a better choice. So, I told my mum, "Thanks for preparing breakfast." That's all.

These little actions may seem pretty insignificant, but slowly, when you sit down and think, they are actually very important to note. Your mum or dad may have kissed you good night, passed you something that you had wanted, driven you to school, greeted you in the morning, served you food, asked about your school work, given you your weekly allowances and so on. These are all acts of love. Simple things like these should always be appreciated, and that's where I move on to Companionship.

At this age, as we rely too much on our friends, we tend to seek for Companions, mainly boyfriends or girlfriends. We notice that most people are not able to handle these relationships well, while some others are able to. What made the difference? Personally, I think it's due to the fact that the successful ones are often those who care more for their family.

In one way or another, we are all Companions. To learn how to appreciate another person's abilities and actions isn't really that hard once you've come to learn more about that particular person. To even appreciate the most little of things would touch the person, and let the person know that you actually care and acknowledge what he or she had done for you. BGRs do not last long, and they are mostly broken due to stress, inability to cope, and also conflicts. Why? From my point of view, it's just because people treat their partners differently.

I believe that the best way would be, to treat he or she as a family member. In our families, we do get conflicts and arguments, but they often end quickly without any 'side effects'. Well, this is also due to the fact that we've become so used to each other that things like these are just part of the cycle. Isn't this what it's all about? Isn't this the way we treat our loved ones too? We always accept our family and friends equally, we give them space, we know their weaknesses and their strengths, and we forgive them for their sins, liking them the way they are.

Love, for this case, would be to accept the person for who he or she really is. The action of acceptance would acknowledge that the particular person is being appreciated for what he or she truly is. Everyone likes to be unique, everyone wants to be different from the rest, everyone wants to be themselves. Would anyone like to live in another person's shadow? Unrecognized, unappreciated, unacknowledged?

Appreciation is a form of acceptance. I believe that appreciation is an act of love too, for appreciation accepts a person and acknowledges a person for what he or she had done. Be it your family members, be it your friends, be it your companions, appreciation, is definitely something that everyone would like.

It's never too late to express your appreciation for others. Do it even in the simplest of actions, and try to brighten up their day just by giving them a hug, a handshake, or even an sms. You would want to be appreciated too, wont you?

Today, yesterday, and tomorrow.

2007-08-13T22:49:00.000+08:00

Well, today, I'd just decided to write something about today, yesterday and tomorrow. Just by looking at it, I think most of you out there would think that it's just something that had happened just yesterday, or today, or what's gonna happen tomorrow. However, this isn't the case. The title simply means, a simple life.

Looking at myself today, I'd just found out that life's as pointless as usual, because it was so cliched and all. I had to go to school, study for tests, take them, and just wait for the results later on. Life's all about school? Well, that's what I'd always thought, when I had lost all motivation and peseverance to fight on towards my dream.

Now, we all have dreams, but, I wouldn't know your's if you hadn't shared it with me. My dream, as stated so many times, is to become the character and storyboard designer for Final Fantasy XIX (19). Despite me talking about how confident and how I'm going about to achieve my goal, I still lack self confidence, for having this dream to come true is as similar as walking on clouds, at least that's what I think.

Friends are always there to support me, but there are those who discourage me from going forward, for they too are concerned, and hoped that I wouldn't spend too much time for something they thought was unachievable. I appreciate that my friends are trying their best not to get my hopes too high, but I must say that I am not a person who would succumb to such difficulties. The reason?

I want my life to be meaningful. Today, it may have seemed as though it's a day for my biology test. Yesterday, it may have seemed as though it was a day for revising biology. Tomorrow, it may seem as though I would revise for my maths test on Wednesday. Is this what I want in my life? Is this what all of you want? I don't really think so.

Personally, I define simple life as a satisfied life, not materialistically, but spiritually and psychologically. I may have all the money and all, but I may not have the time or rather, energy to use them well. It'd always be better if you put what you have right now into good use, isn't it?

Yesterday, I learnt more about the world, through my biology revision. Today, I was reminded that I shouldn't take things for granted, by the Hospice talk in school. Tomorrow, I shall spend my time and energy, to live a simple life, instead of living a chained life. I'll take things into my hands, and do whatever I wish to, be it pursuing a dream that most people would think it'd never be fulfilled, or even daydreaming about whatever awaits my in the future.

Today, yesterday, and tomorrow, all of them shall be the days that I'll spend with happiness, laughter, and joy. A simple life, a life that you'd always live with, as long as you stay positive on whatever you're doing.

Well, to those who have tried stopping me from achieving my dream, I thank you for being caring as I know all of you have meant well so as to not let me hurt too much when I do fail in the future.

For those who have supported me in my way or another, I thank you all for the encouragement, and I will definitely do my best to walk on clouds.

Yesterday, I learnt how to Listen.

2007-07-29T11:50:00.000+08:00

It was a day full of bustling activity. I was busy with practices for our performance for some citizens from a few blocks who were in need of financial aid. Our school was helping out to refurbish their houses and all, and my group of people was suppose to put up a performance.

Well, just after the practice, I was just waiting at the backstage, walking back and forth so as to calm myself down for the upcoming performance. I noticed that an old lady, trying to talk to some boys beside her, but to no avail, no one understood what she said. Curious, I approached her, wondering what help I would be of to her.

She talked in malay, which I knew nothing about. However, I just stood there, looking at her as she moved her hands around, describing excitedly about whatever she was talking about, her eyes wide open, and her only tooth, sticking out, shining ever so brightly as she started to tell me her stories.

I looked into her eyes, I tried to listen, but I could not understand any of the things she had said. However, I noticed something special about this one-way conversation, she was happy. Everytime, I looked into her eyes and smiled, she would smile back at me and laugh at herself, just like how my grandmother would always do when I replied to her story-telling sessions.

Well, I thought that that old lady reminded me of my grandmother, and it was also because of that, I had just realized that my grandmother had always wanted something from us. She wanted us to Listen to her.

In this world, everyone wants to be Listened, everyone likes having someone to listen to them. Take this blog for example, my motive may be that I would like to record some things that I've learnt, but I would also like more people to listen to me, so that I'll be heard and noticed.

Listening is a powerful tool for communication. Listening promotes understanding. The more one listens to another, the more one knows about that person. I believe that everyone would want to be Listened, for hardly anyone would like the fact that they're alone and unnoticed.

Live it, feel it. In our lives, I believe that Listening is essential for every single being, Listen more to the others around you, Listen more to the ones who love you, and most importantly, Listen to your heart, and make the best out of what you really want.

To my grandmother, and those who were always left alone because you were unheard, I apologize for what I've done, for I and of course, all of us, have taken many things for granted.

To the ones who've been Listening to me, especially my mother, my father, my two sisters, my wonderful friends (Y.X, Zar, Z.F and Cheng), my elder god sister who always seemed like my real elder sister (Laffiee), and of course H.T.

Today, I shall talk about Death and Dreams.

2007-07-25T21:47:00.000+08:00

I am very sure that most people out there right now, would be having a busy life, rushing all their work as much as possible. Well, of course, these people, like me, would also think of things such as Death and Dreams, because we simply haven't experienced them yet, for we're still pursuing things that aren't really that important to us.

Death, something that most people would fear, and also something that most people would dread. The word refers to the end of one's life, an end to one's soul, and also, an end to one's dreams. Instead of asking myself where I would go after I had encountered Death, I had asked myself something else.

"Where would I want to go before I would encounter Death?" This, was a directly different approach.

"Death ends a life, not a relationship." This was said by wise old Morrie, who was on the verge of death. I couldn't agree more to his statement, for I too believed that Death would only bring an end to our lives.

Many people fear Death, but I wouldn't agree that it's Death that they fear. From my point of view, however, I believe that what these people truly fear would be Regrets. Everyone here fears Regrets, for it is one of the worse Emotions that anyone would have experienced, for it eats into our soul, mind and body with the strong sense of guilt and unsatisfaction that it brings with.

That is why, it would be good to start thinking about your own lives right now. Dreams, are the only things that would motivate us towards our future, Dreams are the only things that would guide us, and Dreams are also the lights that would shine ever so brightly in the face of obstacles. Dreams provide us with power, passion and peserverance.

My Dream is to become a storyboard and character designer of Final Fantasy XIX, for I was once inspired by Final Fantasy VII's story and I would in turn, like to inspire others through this too. The path towards success may be a hard one, but even if Death stands in my way, I would fight it in order to achieve my Dreams.

Death is closely linked with Dreams, for if Dreams were to be fulfilled, there would be none who would fear Death, as no Regrets shall remain. Everyone has thought of ways to encounter Death, and personally, I would just like to have a chance to say good bye to everyone when Death approaches.

Regrets' a power form of emotion, but no matter how great it is, there's always a way to overcome it. Open up one's mind and see peace, appreciate others while you have the chance, and finally, forgive yourself and forgive others while you're still intact. You never know when you're leaving.

Dreams may not be fulfilled at the end, but at least, you'll be able to accept Death more than to let it take you away. The only thing that can ever stop our Dreams, would be Death. However, one must learn that there's never a good ending to everything in life.

My dreams may not be fulfilled, but at least at this point of time, I can tell myself that I have forgiven, loved, and never regretted, that I was born in this world.

Live it, feel it. It's never too late to accept what's meant to happen, and it's never too late to realize your dreams. Leave Regrets behind, and live to the fullest.

I may not last forever, but at least I know that I'll not be forgotten.
If I ever meet Death, the only favour that I'll ask of, would be to place a white rose on my tombstone, at the 30th March and the 19th December.

To love, to appreciate and to forgive. All of you around me won't be forgotten too.

Today, I used Detachment.

2007-07-24T17:47:00.000+08:00

It was Tuesday. The sky boded well, it was dark, thick and it was a pleasant sight. The sun wasn't up in the sky at all, it was a cooling day. This was the omen I'd been waiting for, and it would be required for what I was supposed to do for the rest of the day. I needed good omens, for my social studies project, for we needed luck in order to acquire the things that we've needed. A video camera, a wire for connecting it and time to study for my Geography test tomorrow.

Upon acquiring these items by afternoon, I had a feeling that we just might be able to do all the things we'd wanted by today. However, it came to me as a fact that our project would take too much time, and the only day that we would be able to finish everything would be on Sunday. I stood still, shocked and stunned, not knowing what had just hit me. Loneliness crept into me, it felt surprisingly cold. I understood why. Sunday had been an important day, and now, it would be nothing, all because of this particular project. I sulked, there was no other way, Loneliness went deeper, taking over what's left of my fragile soul.

I was being eaten up, until something blocked Loneliness from entering any deeper. It was Optimism. As I had mentioned on my previous post, Optimism was a shield. A shield that would protect one against any forms of danger, any forms of distraction, and finally, any forms of pain. Of course, apart from Optimism, something had helped me too. It was wise Morrie, from the book that I'd read from "Tuesdays with Morrie".

Morrie had come up with an idea of Detachment, an idea of feeling a particular form of Emotion fully, and then detach yourself from it after knowing what it's really like. It's the same as learning how your enemies are like, and then defeating them once you've learned about them. A simple concept, and yet it was hard to grasp for most people.

Some would keep a particular form of Emotion that would hidden inside them, thinking that this would make the others around them happier, but I don't agree with this concept, for the longer the Emotion's kept, the more powerful it becomes. This would only mean that the Emotion would break free one day and the user wouldn't be able to control it no longer.

Another method of managing one's particular Emotions that I wouldn't agree to, would be letting them on another person. As we all know, there would be certain points in our lives that we would lose our temper, and simply hurt the ones around us due to this action that we've committed. Sometimes, as simple as it might have seemed to be, a scar might have been left unknowingly. I believe that many teenagers are hurt because of situations like these, but do take note that as a teenager myself, I would say that we've hurt others around us because of such situations too.

I tried detaching myself from something that would hurt me. It had worked well, and I hope that others would follow in my footsteps, or rather, Morrie's footsteps, in managing their Emotions through Detachment. This was not escape, this was not avoidance, this was no ignorance. Detachment was a method that would allow its user to fully understand what he or she was feeling, and that through this course of action, the user would be able to gain a better control over the Emotions that would hurt him or her.

After Detachment, I was once again a happy person, being back to who I was the whole time. Everything went well, and the omens were indeed true. Everyone was happy with what they'd done so far, and I was indeed happy with the results that we've gotten at the end of the day.

It was until I've gotten home, when I had to sulk once more. Everything that we'd worked so hard for had vanished. The video camera that we used to take videos for our Social Studies project was left on the MRT train by a friend of ours. I was fuming, red hot with anger, and I was on the verge of going berserk.

Until, Detachment came about once more, and cooled the burning soul of mine. Optimism was once again in place, and I believed that we would be able to find the video camera. If not, I would just have to work harder, so as to produce a better result.

This was motivation, this was yet another pushing force, this was improvement. Indeed, the omens boded well, and that we'd done a good job for the day, but we'll always be able to do better, as long as we keep working hard for it. There's never an end to anything, and all hope remains, as long as our hearts and souls remain as strong as ever, without any distractions from our Emotions, and with Detachment guiding us ahead.

Live it, feel it, and understand yourself. Work harder for a bright future, and not sulk over what you've lost, for none is lost, until you've declared it.

Today, I recalled Emotions.

2007-07-22T20:29:00.000+08:00

Emotions are an essential aspect of one's life that fully allows the user to plunge into the ways of life. They're ever so delicate, and yet, ever so strong at certain points in life. Emotions' just part of every single living soul out there, a tool for anyone that would come across their uses. No one really knows what they're really there for, unless they've lost them before. Personally, I'd attempted to do so, and it was an experience that I would never forget. It was the major lesson that I had learnt in life, and it would most probably act as one, for anyone who reads about it, right now.

It was at around September, or rather, October, I can't really remember the date since I've this tendency to forget things easily. Well, just around that time, I was just like any other emotional youths out there, managing stress from the family, from the school, from the friends, from anyone. Life was at the lowest point at that time, I had examinations, I had tolerate family quarrels, I had to take care of crying friends, I had to make myself happy, I just had so many things to do. At that point of time, I was just really busy. There came a point in time, when I actually had the time to think. Like any other teenagers, I was thinking of solutions to my problems, I was trying to get rid of things that had irritated me at this point of time, but I did not want to harm myself in any ways, nor harm others in any ways too. After much thought, I came up with an idea, that would benefit me and not hurt anyone at the same time. My idea was to rid myself of all emotions, and for that, I wouldn't feel anger, sadness, and all the other irritating emotions that have been affecting me for such a long time. I'd figured out that emotions were useless from the beginning, other than Happiness, what could you actually benefit from? Thus, from then onwards, I'd begun on my journey to actually dispose all of my emotions.

It all started out from baby steps, I decided to refrain myself from getting angry and sad first, so as to get used to the feeling of not experiencing anger and sadness. These were the two emotions that had affected me most after all. Once I'd gotten used to this, I started to dwell even further, and that was because I was enjoying it. Things were going smoothly, I was able to do better without anger and sadness, I was able to stop those things from distracting me, and I had the feeling that if I worked harder, I would be able to do even better. This particular idea struck me hard, and it was also because of it, I was determined that I would become the perfect being. The idea of being the perfect being, was that this human being, would be shut off from all forms of emotions,so as to only judge and make decisions through the usage of rules and logic. This way, the particular human being would make the best decisions and work most efficiently without unnecessary distractions created by emotions. I believed that emotions were the cause of why human beings have their shortcomings. Emotions affected human beings a lot, or rather infect them a lot. Human beings rely too much on emotions to make decisions, which weren't reliable in the first place since they were deep within every soul, with no trace of logic or law.

This new idea eventually took place, and I began to follow it. Time was no longer important, neither were friends, or even my family, to me, those were just distractions caused by the injustice being brought to this world. The reason why they even existed, was to distract beings, from achieving ultimate success, greatness or even power. Time, friends and families were distractions that blocked many from achieving the goal of becoming the perfect being, but I told myself, that I would not be one of them, I would make my way through, and have everyone to respect me for what I would eventually achieve. This, became my ambition. I carried on, shutting off more emotions as days passed, and I slowly began to realize, that things around me changed ever so quickly. By that time, it was already the end of the examination period. Amazed by how quickly time had actually passed, I was elated by the fact for some reason, and slowly, the emotionless side of me had started to go into hiding, while the other one, who was ever so keen on displaying all his emotions, had come back. I thought that it was good though, to have actually come back, but I would never forget the other side of me too, it had helped me too much and thus it would be a pity if I had forgotten about him. I thought that I had come back again.

However, it wasn't true at all. Things weren't as pleasant as they seemed to be at the end of the day. I enjoyed by day, but by night, I had just started a brawl with my aunt and my grandmother, it was until then, I decided to take things under control once more. I was reminded that emotions were delicate objects, and they were as useless as their users, thus, it was decided that I would dispose them once more, and change for the better. I went back to pursue my ambition of becoming the perfect being.

I was cold and harsh, my points of view were of those of an egoist. They seemed so cynical that everyone around me who had once been my best of friends were starting to change. They were taking too much, they didn't like the fact that I had actually changed so much in a short span of time, and they too, were starting to become as cold as I was. People started to ignore me, people started to despise me, and I was once again plunged into this dilemma, until my mind barked at me that I still had an ambition unfulfilled. As lifeless as I might have been, I continued pursuing something that didn't even exist, and my life was being led around by my other self blindly. I didn't even realize what I was losing, until a particular event changed me back thoroughly.

It was yet another evening, at my house, and my two sisters were tongue-battling as usual, causing much unwanted irritant. After quite some time, it had come down to the fact that one of my sisters was actually starting to use swear words. I stood up immediately and stopped the quarrel at once, forcing an apology out from the criminal. She simply turned away and took off back into her room, and I followed. I denied her from watching television, I denied her from playing her games, I denied her from getting out of the house, and finally, she had had enough from me. Of course, as the current emotionless being which I was now, I would not have sensed the slightest trace of anger from anyone around me, for I could not experience it myself. I was acting logically and sensibly, for swear words were disgraceful and users were to be punished I had pushed the game too far to the point that my sister had actually gone to the kitchen to grab a knife so as to attempt to keep me away from her. I simply stood there, and everything just came crashing down at me. I had failed terribly, my theory was flawed, to such an extent, that I had now become the world's greatest idiot, rather than the perfect being that I was working towards.

This was the greatest mistake I had ever made. How could I have not thought of this? By shutting myself off from all emotions, it would be shutting off myself from the world. I would not be able to understand my surroundings, I would not be able to judge how others felt, and most importantly, I would be as good as nothing. I would have become an shell filled with a useless soul. I would have become a can of sardine that was thrown away because it had expired. I would have become a life that was wasted because it had pursued something foolish.

Well, of course I've changed for the better and all, for the reason why I'm typing this was because I had wanted to let it serve as a reminder to myself that I would never go back into that form again. It was an experience that I would never forget, for it was one of the greatest lessons in my life. I learnt that by disposing emotions, I would not be able to feel the world at all, I would not be able to touch others, and I would no longer be considered as living. Emotions are definitely useful, and not only that, they're pieces of your soul, they're the things that made us for who we are. Without Emotions, we would be nothing. The dread of not being able to feel is definitely what everyone's afraid of, and I'm not talking about feeling physically, but spiritually. The reason why we all feel things even if our sense of touch, hearing, smell, sight and even taste, are not present was that we have our emotions to act as a support to all these senses. Emotions belong to our root, they belong to every living soul out there, they are gifts to us from the very beginning.

Don't be afraid, let your emotions flow, plunge yourself into them, and learn what they really are. Understanding your emotions would enable one to fully utilize them. By doing so, one would fully understand the elements of life, and live their lives to the fullest. We live and we feel it. Let you emotions fly and feel more, by concealing them, they'll hurt you even more. Personally, I don't agree with people who solve their problems by concealing their emotions or even letting them out too much, either way, it'd hurt. Concealing would hurt oneself, and also hurt others who know that you're hiding your pain. Letting out too much would hurt oneself, and also hurt others who were victims of your tyranny. I believe the best way, is to think positive and understand what you're feeling, and why you're feeling a particular emotion, so as to fully understand yourself and make problems easier to solve. Optimism doesn't mean hiding, optimism doesn't mean avoiding, optimism simply means, making things easy. Optimism be fully utilized, when one realizes how to make sense of one's emotions. It would be the greatest shield against all pain, and the greatest weapon against all obstacles.

Understand your emotions and you'll understand yourself. Live it, feel it.

Written specially to the first reader who had cried today.