Jikan to no Kyousou

Something happened today, and it was really sudden, so sudden that I didn't really understand what had happened exactly. Well, basically, my way of speaking and doing things, has somehow angered or saddened another person, a brother of mine, someone who'd known me long enough to be considered as one.

Sometimes I really don't understand what's wrong with me actually. The reason being that I can never find something that I would really want to change within myself. I'm pretty much happy being able to think the way I'm thinking right now, and I absolutely find no fault in my way of thinking too.

I know I'm paranoid, worried and troubled lots of times, but honestly speaking, I rather be like this than to not think at all. Within my gang, I'm always labelled as 'emo', but honestly speaking, I don't think that way. What's this word gotta do with me anyway? Personally I think that 'emo' is a word used to describe people who do not understand the whys, hows, whens, and whats on the emotional aspects. I honestly do not think that I'm such a person, for I believe that my strength lies in judging people's emotions, their thoughts, and of course take into consideration of what I should do in order not to harm the others around me.

Somehow, this isn't really the case, from what I'd seen today.

My close friend came up to me, all angered and pissed regarding some matters, and told me straight in the face, that I don't care about the people around me, that I don't understand what's happening, and that I do not make an effort to change my faults when people tell me to do so. I'm being labelled as 'emo' more than half the time, and I'm being flamed for being like that. From my point of view, however, I seriously am not this sort of person. I've been thinking, trying so hard, analyzing so much, so that I don't hurt anyone else around me, and yet why do these things happen? What had gone wrong exactly? I didn't understand what my friend had meant. For that, I'm now worried once more, thinking and analyzing what had gone wrong. If I were a person who didn't care about the others around me, why do I even worry now?

I suppose it's hard to satisfy everyone around me entirely.

Maybe it's because I try so hard satisfying people around me that I forget to take care of those who are close to me? It might be the case, since human beings take things for granted, but for now, I shan't put the blame on mankind, but on myself, personally. This might be the cause though, since I assumed that the people whom are close to me would accept me the way I am right now, and that might not be the case to some of the people, for they might've accepted some other parts of me, and not me entirely.

Well, right now, I'm pondering on what I should do next.

Why make the change? Why must I worry over this? Is it even possible to satisfy every single soul around me? Is it even possible not to make any more mistakes? I think that ultimately, there will never be any solutions, although it might seem as though it's an excuse, it might also be the truth. Like what I had written earlier on, since there's no Universal Truth regarding all the bits and pieces of life, there's nothing right or wrong in this world. Laws may seem to be the guideline that we should take, but since they came from human beings, it's not worth trusting entirely, since we're all following something that we had created ourselves. Things like these may just be illusions or excuses to delude oneself, so as to escape from reality.

The clockwork factory, the time magician, nostalgia. Why do all these words appeal to me so much?

Well, I would really like to have a factory which controls time, or be a person who can control time, or simply just go back the past by daydreaming. I attain peace by doing so, and not because I'm an 'emo' kid.

The pace of my life is really ass fast. I always find things running so quickly, and it's so hard to keep up. From my point of view, we are all chasing illusions, we are all chasing dreams that may never come true, we are all chasing mirages that give you false hope. I don't wanna run, I wanna stop, really.

I would like to stop right now, at this point in time, in my little house within the forest, with the authum leaves falling, the waterfall gushing down, with the breeze blowing. I want peace, but in order to obtain all these, I'll have to start working hard for it, I'll have to start chasing it, I'll have to quicken my pace. Funny isn't it? The way I look at things, life'll always be like that. It's always full of contradictions, ironys and so on.

This is really something for us to laugh at, but personally, I regard it as a truth in life.

I'll have to start running, in order to know what it feels like to stop.

The problem now is that, when should I stop in order to maximize my satisfaction of attaining peace?

Jikan to no Kyousou. A race against time.

Or should I say, a race for time?