Jikan to no Kyousou

Something happened today, and it was really sudden, so sudden that I didn't really understand what had happened exactly. Well, basically, my way of speaking and doing things, has somehow angered or saddened another person, a brother of mine, someone who'd known me long enough to be considered as one.

Sometimes I really don't understand what's wrong with me actually. The reason being that I can never find something that I would really want to change within myself. I'm pretty much happy being able to think the way I'm thinking right now, and I absolutely find no fault in my way of thinking too.

I know I'm paranoid, worried and troubled lots of times, but honestly speaking, I rather be like this than to not think at all. Within my gang, I'm always labelled as 'emo', but honestly speaking, I don't think that way. What's this word gotta do with me anyway? Personally I think that 'emo' is a word used to describe people who do not understand the whys, hows, whens, and whats on the emotional aspects. I honestly do not think that I'm such a person, for I believe that my strength lies in judging people's emotions, their thoughts, and of course take into consideration of what I should do in order not to harm the others around me.

Somehow, this isn't really the case, from what I'd seen today.

My close friend came up to me, all angered and pissed regarding some matters, and told me straight in the face, that I don't care about the people around me, that I don't understand what's happening, and that I do not make an effort to change my faults when people tell me to do so. I'm being labelled as 'emo' more than half the time, and I'm being flamed for being like that. From my point of view, however, I seriously am not this sort of person. I've been thinking, trying so hard, analyzing so much, so that I don't hurt anyone else around me, and yet why do these things happen? What had gone wrong exactly? I didn't understand what my friend had meant. For that, I'm now worried once more, thinking and analyzing what had gone wrong. If I were a person who didn't care about the others around me, why do I even worry now?

I suppose it's hard to satisfy everyone around me entirely.

Maybe it's because I try so hard satisfying people around me that I forget to take care of those who are close to me? It might be the case, since human beings take things for granted, but for now, I shan't put the blame on mankind, but on myself, personally. This might be the cause though, since I assumed that the people whom are close to me would accept me the way I am right now, and that might not be the case to some of the people, for they might've accepted some other parts of me, and not me entirely.

Well, right now, I'm pondering on what I should do next.

Why make the change? Why must I worry over this? Is it even possible to satisfy every single soul around me? Is it even possible not to make any more mistakes? I think that ultimately, there will never be any solutions, although it might seem as though it's an excuse, it might also be the truth. Like what I had written earlier on, since there's no Universal Truth regarding all the bits and pieces of life, there's nothing right or wrong in this world. Laws may seem to be the guideline that we should take, but since they came from human beings, it's not worth trusting entirely, since we're all following something that we had created ourselves. Things like these may just be illusions or excuses to delude oneself, so as to escape from reality.

The clockwork factory, the time magician, nostalgia. Why do all these words appeal to me so much?

Well, I would really like to have a factory which controls time, or be a person who can control time, or simply just go back the past by daydreaming. I attain peace by doing so, and not because I'm an 'emo' kid.

The pace of my life is really ass fast. I always find things running so quickly, and it's so hard to keep up. From my point of view, we are all chasing illusions, we are all chasing dreams that may never come true, we are all chasing mirages that give you false hope. I don't wanna run, I wanna stop, really.

I would like to stop right now, at this point in time, in my little house within the forest, with the authum leaves falling, the waterfall gushing down, with the breeze blowing. I want peace, but in order to obtain all these, I'll have to start working hard for it, I'll have to start chasing it, I'll have to quicken my pace. Funny isn't it? The way I look at things, life'll always be like that. It's always full of contradictions, ironys and so on.

This is really something for us to laugh at, but personally, I regard it as a truth in life.

I'll have to start running, in order to know what it feels like to stop.

The problem now is that, when should I stop in order to maximize my satisfaction of attaining peace?

Jikan to no Kyousou. A race against time.

Or should I say, a race for time?

夢 - Yume

Well, personally, I think that it's really good to dream, and of course it's even better to have dreams to one would like to fulfill. A goal in life is something that one should always have, so as to ensure that one's living with a purpose, a meaning, a reason. Without it, life's pretty much pointless to start with.

I was really excited to be able to get into the nominations for the students' council, for I had believed that it was fate that had brought me there. I talked about it for almost a week, and I was really prepared to give it a 100%, determined to shine amongst the rest and serve the school with everything I've gotten. Everything seemed so perfect, I was finally recognized for something and that I would really want to make the best out of it, but somehow, I had failed yet again.

The passion and enthusiasm had died out so quickly. The council meeting totally put me off and right now, I'm wondering whether I should withdraw from it. I know I shouldn't be blaming the meeting for this, for I'm the one who had caused all these to happen. I'm pretty certain that I've ran out of steam, not even a candle flame's burning within me.

Just a few days ago, I was at Zar's house, celebrating Chinese New Year with a couple of friends and my family. My parents were talking away with Zar's mum and dad, and Zar's dad suddenly shot a question at me. He asked me what I had wanted to be in the future.

I stood there for quite a while, thinking about all the possibilities in the future, but there wasn't any answers at that point in time, I felt lost. I was pretty much lost for the first time in my life, for so many years, I've always had dreams and goals and everything that I would've wanted to do, but at that point in time, I was confused, I was stunned, I was gone.

Another question was directed at me, when Zar's dad had found out that I didn't really know what I had wanted to be, so instead, he asked me what I had wanted to be in the past. I tried thinking, really slowly too, but yet again, I couldn't figure out all my answers at once, and what's more, I thought that it was most saddening to see that even my sisters and my family members knew more that I did.

They started to name a couple of dreams that I had in the past. Fighter pilot, S-league goalkeeper, dog hotel owner, wolf caretaker, game designer, character designer, manga artist etc. There were so many things that I had actually forgotten, and after being asked such a question, I felt even more lost. Reality finally sank in, and I realized that my passion, my motivation, my spirit, have all gone away.

Why had I been so motivated in the past? Why did I have so many dreams then? Why am I losing everything right now? Right now, I would really want to be passionate and motivated in doing something as far as possible, something that would light up my life and let me feel as though I'm in this world for a reason. I need to find something to live for, I want my dreams back.

I've been wondering for quite a while, whether the reason behind all these mess was because I'm afraid that I'll lose out to others, and that I wanted to be good at something so that I'll be recognized. At this point in time, I suppose this isn't the answer I thought it would be. I think that right now, I'm trying so hard just to gain self recognition, and not recognition from the others. I want to accept myself again.

Somehow, I'm not liking myself for not having a target to achieve. I want dreams, I want something that'll really make me fight so hard for it, even at the cost of my life, something so great that I'm willing to do everything for it. That way, I'll feel alive once more. Not only will people recognize me, I'll be able to recognize myself too. The reason, the purpose and the meaning in life.

I would like to get the flame burning within me, I would like to go back to the past, when I was ever so determined to do everything for my dream, I would like to acknowledge my existence again.

I sat down in YX's car today, watched how the leaves on the trees sway, saw places that I had visited when I was young, felt a sudden urge to just plunge myself in the dreamy realm that I had come up with at that point in time.

Silence, calm and peace. Maybe that's what I need right now to be able to find my way back on track. I'll find Yume.

審理 - Shinri

I believe that in our lives, there are many times when you feel that everything around you are just so fake. To you, people are hypocritical, the world is a mirage, your dreams are unreal. There are so many things that are unjustified in this world of ours, and that truth is something that I believe everyone's trying to seek. It is something sacred and divine, something that will tell mankind what we should all really do, but is it something really there? Or is it something that we all have to come up with ourselves? The real truth, comes within oneself. Everyone has their own truth, everyone has their own thoughts, everyone has the right to live the way they want to.

Personally, since the start of school, I've been thinking about this for a bit, whether such The Universal Truth really existed. A good friend of mine, Cheng, told me that there's really no such thing to start off with, since everyone believed in the things they wanted to. Upon hearing this, the first thought that came to my mind was that, if there wasn't such a thing to start off with, then what for are we living right now? Why aren't there a set of rules for us to follow so as to lead meaningful lives? Shouldn't mankind just die out if we don't even have a goal to begin with?

It's sad to say this, but unfortunately, I don't think that there is any purpose in life for mankind. Some may say that we have dreams to fulfill, some may say that we'll just have to find meaning in our lives since we're already living, while some may say that their religions give meaning to their lives. Personally, I believe that all these things aren't purposeful at all, for they are all selfish ideals. Well, you can say that my dream would be that I'll become a doctor so great that I'm able to cure all diseases. This can be viewed as something that would benefit mankind, but does this really make our lives enriching and purposeful? I believe not. We are all doing this for ourselves, and not for the entire human race as a whole. If there weren't any purpose to start off with, why are we all working so hard?

We want to be rich, we want to be popular, we want to be good people. Basically, to sum it all up, we want a good life. We're all selfish beings, for we want our lives to be good. Not a single person in this world would want to lead a bad life, and I believe the reason would be that we're all selfish beings to start off with. Therefore, if there wasn't any Universal Truth to start off with, we'll all lead different lives, with different objectives, achieving different things, and not advance the entire world as a whole.

I believe that is why our world right now, is so full of sorrows, agony and anger. We're all fighting, against others as well as ourselves. We do not have something common to believe in. Everyone has their own truth, but the stronger ones would be able to convince others that their own truth is the real truth. Even right now, as I'm writing this, I feel so disgusted by the fact that I'm trying to convince others that I'm correct and that people who beg to differ would be incorrect. Get the logic? Without a Universal Truth, there really isn't a point to live, is there?

I believe that regarding this matter, the worst part of it would be that people do not even trust themselves anymore. Sometimes, at a point in time, we would doubt ourselves, whether what we're doing is right or wrong. We would start thinking for every single thing that we do, be it making friends, or studying for a test etc. As for myself, I have started to analyze people, so that I would be able to make sure that hypocrites won't share a part of my life. I have even started to analyze myself, making sure that every move I make would come from my heart, that I am not a hypocrite who would do things that they don't even mean to. After reading the previous statement, are you able to find any mistakes? If you have not, then try reading the sentence again, because the biggest mistake that I have made would be that I am self contradicting.

'I have even started to analyze myself, making sure that every move I make would come from my heart, that I am not a hypocrite who would do things that they don't even mean to.' If I were to make sure that every move I make would come from my heart, then this would be invalid, since it is being thought through. What I'm trying to say is that, I cannot make sure that even move that I make would come from my heart, since if I have thought through it, then it's not something that's from my own heart already. However, if I rely on my own feelings too much, I won't be able to do the correct things, since emotions are wrong at several occasions. A very good example would be love, for it is something that most people confuse with lust and infatuation.

Get the idea why there should be a Universal Truth? For this particular entry, I've noticed that I've asked a damn lot of questions, but who would be there to answer them? In the end, the only answer to our own questions, would be ourselves. Logic isn't really logical to start with, since it is something made up by mankind, so logic itself is self contradictory. Emotions can't guide our way to enlightenment, since they often mislead us.

At the end of our lives, I believe that we'll actually realize how meaningless life is. Even if the Universal Truth really existed, would people actually believe it? We doubt so much that even facts do not seem factual to us. Theories, ideas, beliefs and whatever that come to our minds will always be doubted. In the end, there is actually no one whom you can fully trust, and that we all just have to accept the fact that life as Man, is of no importance and there's no purpose for the existance of mankind.

Shinri is something that can never exist, but for human beings to live happily, we'll need it somehow, even if it means that we'll have to lie.

See the contradiction? ;]