Well, personally, I think that it's really good to dream, and of course it's even better to have dreams to one would like to fulfill. A goal in life is something that one should always have, so as to ensure that one's living with a purpose, a meaning, a reason. Without it, life's pretty much pointless to start with.
I was really excited to be able to get into the nominations for the students' council, for I had believed that it was fate that had brought me there. I talked about it for almost a week, and I was really prepared to give it a 100%, determined to shine amongst the rest and serve the school with everything I've gotten. Everything seemed so perfect, I was finally recognized for something and that I would really want to make the best out of it, but somehow, I had failed yet again.
The passion and enthusiasm had died out so quickly. The council meeting totally put me off and right now, I'm wondering whether I should withdraw from it. I know I shouldn't be blaming the meeting for this, for I'm the one who had caused all these to happen. I'm pretty certain that I've ran out of steam, not even a candle flame's burning within me.
Just a few days ago, I was at Zar's house, celebrating Chinese New Year with a couple of friends and my family. My parents were talking away with Zar's mum and dad, and Zar's dad suddenly shot a question at me. He asked me what I had wanted to be in the future.
I stood there for quite a while, thinking about all the possibilities in the future, but there wasn't any answers at that point in time, I felt lost. I was pretty much lost for the first time in my life, for so many years, I've always had dreams and goals and everything that I would've wanted to do, but at that point in time, I was confused, I was stunned, I was gone.
Another question was directed at me, when Zar's dad had found out that I didn't really know what I had wanted to be, so instead, he asked me what I had wanted to be in the past. I tried thinking, really slowly too, but yet again, I couldn't figure out all my answers at once, and what's more, I thought that it was most saddening to see that even my sisters and my family members knew more that I did.
They started to name a couple of dreams that I had in the past. Fighter pilot, S-league goalkeeper, dog hotel owner, wolf caretaker, game designer, character designer, manga artist etc. There were so many things that I had actually forgotten, and after being asked such a question, I felt even more lost. Reality finally sank in, and I realized that my passion, my motivation, my spirit, have all gone away.
Why had I been so motivated in the past? Why did I have so many dreams then? Why am I losing everything right now? Right now, I would really want to be passionate and motivated in doing something as far as possible, something that would light up my life and let me feel as though I'm in this world for a reason. I need to find something to live for, I want my dreams back.
I've been wondering for quite a while, whether the reason behind all these mess was because I'm afraid that I'll lose out to others, and that I wanted to be good at something so that I'll be recognized. At this point in time, I suppose this isn't the answer I thought it would be. I think that right now, I'm trying so hard just to gain self recognition, and not recognition from the others. I want to accept myself again.
Somehow, I'm not liking myself for not having a target to achieve. I want dreams, I want something that'll really make me fight so hard for it, even at the cost of my life, something so great that I'm willing to do everything for it. That way, I'll feel alive once more. Not only will people recognize me, I'll be able to recognize myself too. The reason, the purpose and the meaning in life.
I would like to get the flame burning within me, I would like to go back to the past, when I was ever so determined to do everything for my dream, I would like to acknowledge my existence again.
I sat down in YX's car today, watched how the leaves on the trees sway, saw places that I had visited when I was young, felt a sudden urge to just plunge myself in the dreamy realm that I had come up with at that point in time.
Silence, calm and peace. Maybe that's what I need right now to be able to find my way back on track. I'll find Yume.
6 comments:
Hey kiddo,
You got to relax abit. You do not go around trying to find dreams, no one does that, dreams come find you, just make sure that when it does, do not shrug it off as something impossible or silly. On the other hand, a dream that you manage to find after a brainstorm isn't a dream, its just a goal which you will be unlikely to be able to follow through to the end.
If you do not wanna get in the student council then so be it, but if u do, then fight hard for it, dont use dislike for the council become an excuse for your fear for failure.
Also, dont give a shit about the recognition of others, all you need in this lifetime is for you to be able to recognize you. I would like to quote a very famous line by Bower to make my point: "Fuck the world, fuck the people, dont give a shit cuz man equals shit." If there is someone out there who tells you to go find a dream, or tries to force a dream upon you, that guy is shit.
And finally, we do lose our dreams as we grow up, but that is because we see more clearly, and we see that what we used to hold as dreams are no more than romantic fantasies of young kids, take for example the dream about the wolf trainer or whatever it is cant be bothered to check, anyway, even if someone let you become a wolf trainer when you wished for it, you wont last a week, canines can really stink in case you don't know, and they are irritating as hell.
So just sit back and relax, dreams arn't meant to be found this way.
Tts Bowen, not Bower
cheng, i know what you mean and thanks for reading of course, lol. you never fail to read a new entry do you? anyway, i do agree with most of your points, but some of them are really harsh, ye gotta relax too.
although we share some similar points of view, there are still things we disagree with, and i believe that i'll be able to sort these stuff myself.
but really cheng, thanks for reading, that's really all i needed.
and to think that you were the one who kept insisting that i shouldnt make a blog, lol.
it's really fortunate to have you as a friend, thanks a lot cheng.
cheng, i know what you mean and thanks for reading of course, lol. you never fail to read a new entry do you? anyway, i do agree with most of your points, but some of them are really harsh, ye gotta relax too.
although we share some similar points of view, there are still things we disagree with, and i believe that i'll be able to sort these stuff myself.
but really cheng, thanks for reading, that's really all i needed.
and to think that you were the one who kept insisting that i shouldnt make a blog, lol.
it's really fortunate to have you as a friend, thanks a lot cheng.
ah dang double posted. lol
booboo!
bro, i am totally amazed and in awe of you and cheng! (:
but yea, i agree with cheng to some extent, but im still certain that you would be able to find something that ignites your passion once again! (:
i am currently in the same state as you. but im not in a rush to find my dream just yet. HEH. xD
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